What can you do for National Adoption Month?

Often I hear people say that they may not be able to foster or adopt a child, but they want to help. So, how can you help? What can you do to support those who are fostering, adopting, or providing services to those in care? 

There are so many things that you can do. Here are my top tips for how you can support foster and adoptive parents.

1. Help them prepare. Foster parents often have a very short window of time to prepare for a child when they get the call. Some may receive a child in their care in the middle of the night. Find out what they need and see what you can provide to get them through those first few nights. For adoptive parents, you can also find out what they need. Maybe they need a crib, bed, and other items to prepare. 

2. Drop off coffee. Foster and adoptive parents experience a lot over those first few days, weeks, and months. Often, there is little sleep. Just dropping by with coffee can make a big difference in their day. 

3. Check on them. This one can go right along with tip #2. While there is often little sleep, there are also times of loneliness. Being a new foster or adoptive parent is a big challenge. Sometimes, a foster or adoptive parent just needs to talk or vent. When you drop off that coffee, ask them how they are doing. Or, just give them a call or text them to check in. 

4. Take them a meal. This is one of the best tips and one of the most helpful things that our family received when we became foster/adoptive parents. Just getting a meal or two when a child first arrives can help the foster/adoptive parents to focus on spending time with the child and focusing on their needs rather than having to prepare dinner. 

5. Offer to fold laundry. This may seem like a very small thing, but believe me, it is a huge help! Our family of three became a family of six in a matter of two weeks. It's amazing how much laundry there is to do on a daily basis. When you receive a child in your home, it's often the cleaning and laundry that gets neglected. 

6. Offer to clean. Even just dusting, sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming is super helpful to new foster/adoptive parents. Just as the laundry often gets neglected, the cleaning tends to be put on the back burner, especially during those difficult days. 

7. Be careful with advice and opinions. The ways in which we parent and support our children is quite different due to the trauma and loss they have experienced. Be supportive rather than judgmental. 

8. Respect privacy. Children in foster care have experienced so much trauma and so much loss. Their story, is their story. Their privacy is so important. If you happen to learn something about them, keep it in confidence. Failing to respect their privacy negatively affects the hard work that we as foster/adoptive parents are doing to build trust and attachment. 

9. Support fundraising. You may not be able to foster or adopt a child. Maybe you are not able to support families with the tips above. One way you can support foster care and adoption is through donations. Our family supports Agape of NC. We are thankful for their support throughout our foster care and adoption journey. They are currently fundraising for their Worth It! campaign. If you are interested in donating, you can my personal fundraising link: 

https://agapeofnc.networkforgood.com/projects/146279-kara-finch-s-fundraiser Help me reach my goal of $250 before December 1st! 

10. Pray. This is the most important tip of all. Pray for the foster and adoptive families. Pray for the parents. Pray that they will have the wisdom to say and do the right things to help build resilience, trust, and love with their foster/adoptive child. Pray for the foster/adopted children. Pray that they will receive the love, encouragement, and support that they need. Pray that they will receive the resources they need to work through their trauma. Pray that they will learn resilience and develop positive relationships with their foster/adoptive parents. Pray for the biological children in the home. Pray that they will be supportive and understanding of the challenges that may come. Pray that they will be kind and loving. Pray that they will also receive the much needed support throughout this process. 

Adoption Journey- November is National Adoption Month

 

It has been a long time since I have written a blog post. Not intentionally, but life sometimes just gets in the way. With so much going on, the blog kind of ended up being one of the last things on my list of things to do. But I wanted to take the time to post about something that is very important to our family and that is adoption. November is National Adoption Month and while some may know our story, there are things that many do not know about our journey. Rather than share the back story of our adoption journey and how we got here, I want to share the realities of adoption through foster care. 

I cannot say enough how blessed we are to have our four beautiful children. The journey to foster care and adoption was one of the hardest experiences I have had in my life, but I wouldn’t change a thing about our journey.

We often see the beautiful, positive, and happy moments on social media. While we have many of those beautiful moments, we also experience the realities of the traumatic experiences our children have had in their early years. The pain, resentment, anger, fear, and lack of trust are things that we must recognize and support our children through, at times, daily.   

Most often, people associate National Adoption Month as something positive, exciting, and something to celebrate. However, for many adopted children that is not the case. National Adoption Month is also a reminder of the trauma and loss that they have experienced. 

Every child who has been in foster care and adopted has experienced trauma. Often, this trauma is in the form of abuse and neglect, but at a minimum these children will experience separation from their birth family. Even if a newborn baby is placed in your arms immediately after they are born, and even if they are 100% healthy, there is still trauma. 

Over the years, studies have shown that the trauma children experience can have serious, lifelong effects. Trauma affects a child’s brain, body, behavior, and their ways of thinking. Ongoing trauma disrupts a child’s sense of safety, security, and sense of themselves. It alters the way they respond to situations and the people in their lives. This ongoing trauma affects a child’s ability to control their emotions, ability to concentrate, develop healthy relationships, respond to conflict, and develop socially. Children who have experienced serious trauma are often extra vigilant and will react physically to any perceived threats. These experiences also increase the behaviors that a child develops as a result of their trauma. It often makes life much more challenging for them and their family. 

Children experiencing ongoing trauma, develop unhealthy habits and behaviors. These include increased aggression and distrusting or disobeying the adults in their lives. These behaviors protected the children from neglect or abuse in the past. It takes time and patience…so much time and patience, and therapeutic support to overcome these behaviors and habits. 

Every child in foster care has experienced trauma. Just the act of being placed in foster care is traumatic for children. It means loss. Loss of birth family. Loss of everything that is familiar. 

Our children have been through far more than anyone should ever go through in their short lives. The pain, trauma, and loss effects everyone in our family, but most of all our children. We have held our children as they cried over difficult memories, as they talk about their birth family, as they express their fears and frustrations. While these traumatic experiences will affect our children throughout their life, the extremely important work that we do to support and love them  through the trauma triggers and behaviors and the therapeutic supports we have in place can help our children to use effective and healthy ways to deal with their experiences. It can help build resilience. It can help build recovery. 

If you are considering foster care and adoption, one of the most important pieces of advice I have for you is become trauma informed. Take every training and read every book that you possibly can about trauma. It is not possible to learn upfront every single traumatic experience that your child may have experienced. Some of the traumatic experiences may not come up for months or years. Never be afraid to reach out for help and advice. Seek out community resources and ensure that the child receives counseling services. Remember that the trauma didn’t occur overnight. So, it is not realistic to think that healing will occur overnight.

Adoption is a lifelong journey. It is difficult and painful, but it is also beautiful. 

If you have read this post, thank you for taking the time to do so. Please consider how you can support those who are fostering or adopting. Stay tuned for another post on how you can support foster and adoptive families. 

If you are interested in helping monetarily, our family encourages you to support Agape of NC. We are grateful for their part in our adoption journey. They are currently in the midst of their “Worth It” fundraising campaign. You can learn more about Agape of NC and their campaign here: https://www.agapeofnc.org/. 

It's Approved!

Meredith's recent visit to see Dr. McShane in Chapel Hill was very exciting.  We had no idea that we were going to get some very surprising news. Meredith had previously considered participating in a Dupixent trial. After receiving additional information, Meredith decided that she did not want to participate. She didn't like the thought of risking the fact that she could receive a placebo and struggle throughout the process with flares, infections, and other issues. She decided to wait on the trial to be completed and approved for eczema.

During this time, she has been taking Cyclosporine. This is a medication most often prescribed to individuals who have had an organ transplant. It basically kills your immune system, can affect your kidneys, liver, and cause many other difficult side effects. She has also had to have routine blood work, which started with every two weeks and then decreased to once a month. She has been very blessed to have excellent blood work while on the medication, however, she has had other side effects including, change in hair color and growth, and major stomach upset.

So, at our visit on March 21st with Dr. McShane she excitingly shared that Dupixent injections had just been approved for eczema. She then shared that it has only been approved for patients 12 and over with moderate to severe atopic dermatitis/eczema. We were thrilled. Then Meredith quickly shared that this was perfect timing because she was going to turn 12 years old in just 5 days. Dr. McShane sent the request for the medication. She informed us that the first request would be denied, but not to worry because she would appeal with more detailed information and get the approval.

We will be traveling back to Chapel Hill soon to start the injections of Dupixent. Meredith will receive two injections for the first treatment. One will be injected by Dr. McShane, the other will be injected by me. Meredith will then receive one injection, every other week at home. She will no longer need frequent blood work, and this medication has been proven to not affect the organs as other medications she has used have. The biggest side effect is conjunctivitis that is not contagious, but she could need to go on eye drops if this does occur.

We are so excited!  This is huge!  Meredith has struggled with the physical and emotional effects of this condition her whole life. She has experienced depression and anxiety, received rude and nasty comments, and had to endure the horrific physical effects of frequent infections. Meredith is a little nervous about the injections, but she is looking forward to learning how to administer them herself. She is excited about this medication and the positive effects it will have on her life in many ways. Dr. McShane told her "this is going to be life changing for you."

Please pray for Meredith as we make this transition to what we hope will be the answer to her 12 year struggle with severe atopic dermatitis.

Exciting News for Meredith

We are so excited and thankful to be able to share that Meredith has been given an opportunity to participate in the Dupixent trial. She has to go through a 3 hour visit with the study physician, have blood work and other tests completed, and we have to sign the Informed Consent for her to participate. As long as everything goes well, she will begin the trial after the initial visit. There will be a good bit of travel involved because the clinical study site is in Norfolk, Virginia. We are blessed to have a great aunt in Chesapeake, Virginia and she is going to let us stay with her when we have to visit the study site. Her home is just 25 minutes away from the study site, so we will be able to get a good night's rest before attending her appointments. We plan to drive back home after each appointment.

We are all very excited, but also nervous. Meredith has a 1 in 3 change of getting a placebo instead of the Dupixent injection. We are praying that she actually gets the medication and that it works. This study has already been completed on adults and adolescents. They had amazing results, so we have great hope that this will be the answer for Meredith.

Please keep us in your prayers as we continue through this journey.

Eczema Stinks

Seriously, eczema is a tough disease and Meredith continues to fight against it. We have tried everything! She has had different allergy tests throughout the years to figure out if she was allergic to something. We have kept a food diary and tried to determine if a certain food was affecting her. She has used every topical steroid available, even the black label ointments. She has used oral steroids. She has tried oral medications, including Cell Cept, an immunosuppressant typically used for transplant patients. We have tried all natural alternatives. We have tried any and everything that friends, family, and acquaintances have encouraged us to try. We have prayed!

The #1 thing Meredith struggles with is confidence. As she has gotten older, her appearance has become much more important to her. She is beautiful inside and out, but this disease often affects very visible areas. She has been called names at school, had many people ask her "what is wrong with your face?", and even had kids and adults avoid her because they were afraid she was contagious. I have watched this disease affect every single aspect of Meredith's life; emotionally, physically, and mentally, yet, she amazes me with her strength.

On October 2nd, we made a trip to see Dr. McShane, Meredith's dermatology specialist at UNC Chapel Hill. These are just a couple of pictures of what Meredith was struggling with when we went to this visit.

As I've mentioned before, Meredith has been going to Chapel Hill and seeing Dr. McShane since she was four years old. At this visit, Dr. McShane told us that there was a new drug called Dupixent that had been first trialed with kids and adults with asthma. They are just starting a trial for those with severe eczema/atopic dermatitis. This is an injectable drug that would become a once a month injection. According to Dr. McShane, the use of this drug allows patients to not only have reduction in symptoms, but they don't have to continue use of topical steroids. Meredith was excited. We were excited. So, Dr. McShane submitted a request and preauthorization paperwork for this. Yesterday, we received a letter from the insurance company letting us know that the request was denied for the final time. We can appeal, but they will not allow Meredith to have the drug because she is not 18.  So, after speaking with Dr. McShane, we have contacted the clinical trial administrator to see if Meredith can be a part of that trial. If she cannot, our next step is Cyclosporine, which is another immunosuppressant. Dr. McShane says this drug will affect her immune system, we will have to watch her kidneys, and there are other risks. Creig, Meredith and I will have a big decision to make this weekend as I will be taking Meredith back to Chapel Hill on Tuesday.

In my last post, I shared facts about atopic dermatitis. I want to share some questions that we often get related to Meredith's condition.

1. Is it contagious?
No, it is not contagious! You can't "catch it" from another person. The exact cause of eczema is not know, but researchers have found that individuals who develop eczema typically do because of a combination of genes and some environmental triggers. When an irritant "switches on" the immune system, the skin cells just don't behave like they should. This causes an eczema flare-up. These flare-ups can be minor or severe.

2. Isn't there something you can take or do to make it go away?
We wish it worked that way! It's not like having a sinus infection, where you can take antibiotics and it clears up. Unfortunately, there is no cure. There are treatments, but those treatments depend on the age and severity of the case. Meredith has been diagnosed with severe atopic dermatitis, which has allowed her a few more options when it comes to trying different medications. Treatment options can be over the counter remedies, topical medications, phototherapy, immunosuppressants, and biologic drugs. Some people find success with natural and alternative treatments.

3. Are there triggers?
Yes, there can be. Chemicals, soap, clothing, sweat, and scents can exacerbate the condition. Just touching a surface that had a chemical on it can cause a flare-up. Another trigger can be illness. If Meredith gets a cold, sinus infection, etc. it also affects her condition and can cause a severe flare-up.

4. Why doesn't she just stop scratching?
Itching usually causes scratching, which can lead to the vicious itch-scratch cycle. At times, the urge to scratch can be so intense. Scratching is definitely counterproductive to healing, but sometimes it is done unconsciously. Meredith often scratches in her sleep, which is why she takes certain oral medications to help her rest better and hopefully avoid scratching as much.

It is very important to me that others are educated on this condition. Meredith is so much more than this disease and that's what I want others to see. She is so smart, funny, friendly, compassionate, kind, and loving.

Please pray for us as we discuss our options this weekend and make decisions on our next steps.

We Love Someone with Eczema!

October is Eczema Awareness Month, so I am going to try to share a little each week about this condition that our Meredith suffers from. I say suffer, because she really does struggle each and every day with this condition. Meredith was diagnosed with atopic dermatitis, an autoimmune condition, when she was just three months old. As Meredith has gotten older, some aspects of the condition have gotten a little better, while others have worsened. When Meredith was four years old, she was hospitalized due to an infection related to her condition. You can read more about that here:  Meredith's Hospital Adventure

After Meredith's hospitalization, we were referred to UNC Dermatology in Chapel Hill.  This began our journey with Dr. McShane who has been following Meredith's case since. Dr. McShane has tried many things over the years with Meredith.  There was a trial that started last year and we were so hopeful that Meredith would get to be a part of the trial. Unfortunately, they decided the children included in the trial had to be over the age of 12. Meredith was so disappointed. Dr. McShane has stuck with us through so much. She has really been an encouragement for Meredith.

We actually get to see Dr. McShane tomorrow. Meredith hasn't seen her in about 6 months and she has lately been struggling with major flares, so she cannot wait to see Dr. McShane.

What is Atopic Dermatitis?

Today, I'll share the difference between eczema and atopic dermatitis. Eczema is actually a general term for dermatitis. Dermatitis means inflammation of the skin. All of the types eczema cause redness and itching, but some will blister, weep, and even peel. There are several different types of eczema. Atopic dermatitis is considered a severe and chronic or long-lasting form of eczema. Each type of eczema has different triggers, symptoms, and treatments. It's important to know why type you have, in order to be able to manage it appropriately. 

What are the Symptoms of Atopic Dermatitis?

Atopic dermatitis is chronic. It does not usually go away in a few days or weeks. For many, this is a lifelong condition. It is very itchy and can cause damage to the skin from repeated scratching or rubbing. It normally appears on the cheeks, legs, and arms, but can be found anywhere on the body. 

Symptoms include:

* dry, scaly skin

* redness

* itching

* cracks behind the ears

* rash on the cheeks, arms, and/or legs

* open, crusted, or "weepy" sores (typically occurs during flares)

Because the skin can become open during flares, infections are common. 

How can Atopic Dermatitis be treated?

Depending on the severity of symptoms, the condition can be treated with:

* topical medications (such as steroidal ointments)

* phototherapy (light treatment)

* immunosuppressant drugs (curb the immune system)

* biologic drugs (target specific areas of the immune system)

* systemic steroids by mouth or injection (used in extreme cases)

Unfortunately, Meredith has experienced all of the above symptoms, plus! She has also tried many different treatments. Some work better than others. Now that she is older, she is much more concerned with her appearance. She has been bullied and picked on at school many times. I am amazed at her strength and how resilient she is. This year alone, she has been called "diseased", "scab face", and more. She came home one day last week and told me that a boy in her grade had made an ugly comment about her face to her. Her reply to him was "thank you" and she kept walking. This girl has gone through more than I ever did as I was growing up, but she still manages to keep a positive attitude, smile on her face, and a kind heart. 

Meredith, I know you will read this. I want you to know that I am so proud of you! You are beautiful inside and out. I only wish I was half as strong and brave as you are. Love you more than you will ever know! 

Our Story- Foster Care

May is National Foster Care Month. I promised to not only share information about foster care this month, but to also share our story. I was trying to decide how I would begin and quickly realized that in order to begin to tell our story, I have to start at the very beginning of our journey, which began in 2006.

In March of 2006, Creig and I were so excited to find out that we were pregnant. We couldn’t wait to tell all of our family and start planning a nursery. Sadly, we went through the tremendous pain of losing that precious baby. After working with my doctor and using fertility treatments, we became pregnant again. I remember being terrified, but thankfully nine months later our beautiful Meredith was born. My pregnancy with her was rough and my delivery was very difficult.

Two years later, Creig and I decided that we wanted to try to have another child. With the help of my doctor, we again used fertility treatments for quite some time. We then decided that we would stop the treatments and just put it all in God’s hands. Creig and I had discussed many times the different options we had. We considered domestic or international adoption. We considered adopting through foster care. We considered the fact that maybe we were meant to be the parents of one child. When Meredith turned 9, we really began researching adoption through foster care. We didn’t want to make the decision without talking to Meredith, so we had multiple conversations with her and explained everything. Our biggest concern was the fact that any child that entered our home could be reunified with their birth family, which would mean that Meredith would also experience that loss. Her response to that is what solidified our decision. She said, “Well, I will be sad, but I will be happy to know that we could love them and take care of them while their mom and dad couldn’t.”

We read everything we could about foster care, talked to people who had been foster parents, and had multiple conversations with the director of Agape of NC. In April of 2016 we began the foster care licensing process. We completed our home study, fire inspections, background checks, fingerprinting, extremely long- 35 page family self-study, CPR and First Aid certifications, trainings, and so much more.

We received a phone call in May of 2017 letting us know that we were officially licensed. We were also told that our agency preferred to have new families provide respite at least one time before they have a child placed in their home. This way they can see what it is like to have someone new entering their home and the effects it can have on everyone in the family. On May 23, 2017, we received our first call and were asked to provide respite for a sibling group of three.  A (female) was 6 years old, L (male) was 3 years old, and A (male) was 2 years old. We were told that these siblings had been in foster care for almost a year and a half and that their foster mother had to go out of town. She just needed someone to provide respite for Memorial Day weekend. We agreed, but had absolutely no idea how this three day experience was going to change our lives forever. We picked them up on Friday and they had to go back home on Monday. We fell in love with these three kids in just a matter of days and I was so sad to have to watch them go.  

It was just a week and a half later, on June 5, 2017 that Creig and I were having lunch in my office and received another call from the director of Agape. She informed us that she had received a call about an infant that was currently in the hospital in Chapel Hill. She was just a month and a half old and had been in the hospital since birth due to a heart defect requiring open heart surgery. She told us that the agency and the area DSS had been looking for a family to take her for days and had not had any luck. Creig and I immediately said “yes, absolutely. We will take her”. She told me that at least one of us would have to go to the hospital and stay overnight to be educated on her needs and medical conditions. I was ready to go then, but we were told to wait until we received a call. The following day, I received a call from a physician at the hospital and she told me that they had been informed that we were going to be the foster parents for baby S. She asked that I come as soon as possible to meet her. I left within the hour and was so thankful that my mom went with me. I will never forget walking into that hospital room and seeing my precious little girl laying in that crib all alone. The nurse picked her up and laid her in my arms and in an instant, she had my heart. I think I slept about an hour that night.  I spent so much time just staring at her, holding her, and taking care of her. The next day, we were released to go home. In just one week, we will celebrate one year since S joined our family.

Almost two weeks later, I received another call from Agape. I was told that the three siblings we had provided respite for were in need of a new home. I was also told that they were likely going to be separated for various reasons and asked if we would consider taking one or two of them. I knew exactly what Creig would say, but I told the director that I would need to call and talk with him first. When I called the director back to tell her that we would take any of them, I was told to sit tight. The next day, we were told that all three had been moved to a home in their area together and that they were hopeful that it would work out. Creig and I were thankful that they were able to stay together and continued to pray for them. The following week, I received another call from the director. She told me that the siblings were not moved just once in that previous week, but a total of three times. She then asked me again if we would consider taking any of them. I again told her yes, and she asked if we would take the two boys. After double checking with Creig, I called her back to find out when and where we would need to pick them up.  The following day, L and A were back in our home, but this time long-term. Their sister was placed in another home, but her foster parents were also clients of Agape. Thankfully, this meant that we would be able to have contact with them and work together to help maintain contact for A, L, and A.

Never in a million years, did we see our journey going in this direction. I had assumed we would hopefully adopt one child through foster care. It never crossed my mind that we would ever be considering adopting three children. Here we were, June of 2017, a family of 6. We had two boys and two girls, ages 10, 3, 2, and almost 2 months. In just two short weeks, our lives were forever changed. 

I would love to be able to say that from that day forward everything has been sunshine and rainbows, but that would be a lie. We have struggled, we have cried, we have hurt for our kids, and we have felt so defeated at times that we questioned how in the world we could ever be enough for them. But, we have also loved our kids more than we ever could have imagined. We have fought for them, advocated for them, encouraged them, supported them, and become their biggest fans. The traumatic and tragic experiences that our kids have had will forever be a part of them, but we are thankful to be able to hold them up in those difficult times and support them through it all.

Today, as I look back over the past year, I am so thankful and just so amazed at how far we have all come. I cannot even begin to express how much I love all of my kids. I am grateful that God chose us to be their Mommy and Daddy and can’t wait to watch them change the world.

Until today, we have only shared this with our family, but we have recently signed adoption petitions for A and L that are currently being filed with the Clerk of Court. We will soon be sending in our adoption petition for S as well. It is our hope that all three adoptions will be completed by the end of summer. We can’t thank all of our family and friends enough for all of the love and support given to us throughout this journey. It’s certainly not over yet, but we are so excited to soon begin a new chapter. Stay tuned!