Adoption Journey- November is National Adoption Month

 

It has been a long time since I have written a blog post. Not intentionally, but life sometimes just gets in the way. With so much going on, the blog kind of ended up being one of the last things on my list of things to do. But I wanted to take the time to post about something that is very important to our family and that is adoption. November is National Adoption Month and while some may know our story, there are things that many do not know about our journey. Rather than share the back story of our adoption journey and how we got here, I want to share the realities of adoption through foster care. 

I cannot say enough how blessed we are to have our four beautiful children. The journey to foster care and adoption was one of the hardest experiences I have had in my life, but I wouldn’t change a thing about our journey.

We often see the beautiful, positive, and happy moments on social media. While we have many of those beautiful moments, we also experience the realities of the traumatic experiences our children have had in their early years. The pain, resentment, anger, fear, and lack of trust are things that we must recognize and support our children through, at times, daily.   

Most often, people associate National Adoption Month as something positive, exciting, and something to celebrate. However, for many adopted children that is not the case. National Adoption Month is also a reminder of the trauma and loss that they have experienced. 

Every child who has been in foster care and adopted has experienced trauma. Often, this trauma is in the form of abuse and neglect, but at a minimum these children will experience separation from their birth family. Even if a newborn baby is placed in your arms immediately after they are born, and even if they are 100% healthy, there is still trauma. 

Over the years, studies have shown that the trauma children experience can have serious, lifelong effects. Trauma affects a child’s brain, body, behavior, and their ways of thinking. Ongoing trauma disrupts a child’s sense of safety, security, and sense of themselves. It alters the way they respond to situations and the people in their lives. This ongoing trauma affects a child’s ability to control their emotions, ability to concentrate, develop healthy relationships, respond to conflict, and develop socially. Children who have experienced serious trauma are often extra vigilant and will react physically to any perceived threats. These experiences also increase the behaviors that a child develops as a result of their trauma. It often makes life much more challenging for them and their family. 

Children experiencing ongoing trauma, develop unhealthy habits and behaviors. These include increased aggression and distrusting or disobeying the adults in their lives. These behaviors protected the children from neglect or abuse in the past. It takes time and patience…so much time and patience, and therapeutic support to overcome these behaviors and habits. 

Every child in foster care has experienced trauma. Just the act of being placed in foster care is traumatic for children. It means loss. Loss of birth family. Loss of everything that is familiar. 

Our children have been through far more than anyone should ever go through in their short lives. The pain, trauma, and loss effects everyone in our family, but most of all our children. We have held our children as they cried over difficult memories, as they talk about their birth family, as they express their fears and frustrations. While these traumatic experiences will affect our children throughout their life, the extremely important work that we do to support and love them  through the trauma triggers and behaviors and the therapeutic supports we have in place can help our children to use effective and healthy ways to deal with their experiences. It can help build resilience. It can help build recovery. 

If you are considering foster care and adoption, one of the most important pieces of advice I have for you is become trauma informed. Take every training and read every book that you possibly can about trauma. It is not possible to learn upfront every single traumatic experience that your child may have experienced. Some of the traumatic experiences may not come up for months or years. Never be afraid to reach out for help and advice. Seek out community resources and ensure that the child receives counseling services. Remember that the trauma didn’t occur overnight. So, it is not realistic to think that healing will occur overnight.

Adoption is a lifelong journey. It is difficult and painful, but it is also beautiful. 

If you have read this post, thank you for taking the time to do so. Please consider how you can support those who are fostering or adopting. Stay tuned for another post on how you can support foster and adoptive families. 

If you are interested in helping monetarily, our family encourages you to support Agape of NC. We are grateful for their part in our adoption journey. They are currently in the midst of their “Worth It” fundraising campaign. You can learn more about Agape of NC and their campaign here: https://www.agapeofnc.org/.